you-are.us

If Scooter Libby winds up in some cushy white-collar detention facility, he’ll have more time to do what he’s really passionate about: writing bad erotic fiction. And he’s got some company in the Family Values crowd. Lauren Collins writes in The New Yorker’s Talk of the Town,

Libby has a lot to live up to as a conservative author of erotic fiction. As an article in SPY magazine pointed out in 1988, from Safire (“[She] finally came to him in the bed and shouted ‘Arragghrrorwr!’ in his ear, bit his neck, plunged her head between his legs and devoured him�) to Buckley (“I’d rather do this with you than play cards�) to Liddy (“T’sa Li froze, her lips still enclosing Rand’s glans . . .�) to Ehrlichman (“ ‘It felt like a little tongue’ �) to O’Reilly (“Okay, Shannon Michaels, off with those pants�), extracurricular creative writing has long been an outlet for ideas that might not fly at, say, the National Prayer Breakfast. In one of Lynne Cheney’s books, a Republican vice-president dies of a heart attack while having sex with his mistress.

A few of my favorite quotes from Libby’s The Apprentice (do I smell a post-incarceration deal with The Donald?):

“At length he walked around to the deer’s head and, reaching into his pants, struggled for a moment and then pulled out his penis. He began to piss in the snow just in front of the deer’s nostrils.�

“At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest.”

“He knew there were those who enjoyed merely staring at young girls, but he had no reason to believe that he was one of them.”

And the best one of all:

“He asked if they should fuck the deer.”